She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I will pee on everything he values.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
