This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
