The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
