So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
