I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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