I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
