Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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