my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize