he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need to calm my uterus...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
