He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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