If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
