I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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