david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
