Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
