you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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