I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
