White coat. Heels.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
