the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
