Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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