you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Your mouth is God's brothel.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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