Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We need a shit load of segways right now
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
