the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
