that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
