My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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