I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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