PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize