Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
