I just pynch a tree in the face
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
