My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
