i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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