How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
