why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
