Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
