i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
