at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
