if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
