Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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