she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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