I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize