It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
