Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
