I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
