This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
