it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
