She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
