i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
