Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
