Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
