apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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