when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
