there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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