you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
