Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
