If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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