she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
