apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
