Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
