Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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