i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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