So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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