What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
