I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
as a side note pls kill me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
