I'm gonna have a badass scar
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize