I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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