i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize