I hate your face
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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