Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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