you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
