You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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